Everybody Loves Cupid
by Leather Jacket
Summary: When Cupid gives a Spartan's wife to another man, the Spartan enlists Ares' help to get even. Without his powers, Cupid has to run for his life or things could get really unpleasant --- in a wacky kind of way.


**Everybody Loves Cupid**

a Hercules / Xena fan-fic By Leather Jacket

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Warning: This is a slash fiction, and much as I hate to give away the plot ahead of time ... oh, just read the title. There is some adult language and content here ... eventually. Hopefully, we're all adults.  
Disclaimer: This fictional piece of work is loosely based on the characters from _Hercules, the Legendary Journeys_ and _Xena: Warrior Princess_. I didn't watch either of these shows regularly, though I did enjoy them when I did, so if it doesn't really sound like Hercules or Xena, I apologize. ... Maybe if they'd had Cupid on more often... why do I waste a comment like that on a show that's no longer in production?  
I do not own the characters from the above shows, but look at it this way, MCA Television didn't own the characters of Greek, Roman or Norse mythology and they made way more money than I ever will (at anything). In other words, please don't sue.  
Placement: This story falls somewhere after the _Hercules_ episode _Green-Eyed Monster_ and the _Xena_ episode _For Whom The Bell Tolls_ and before the _Xena_ episode _Comedy of Eros_.

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White wings trailing behind him, leather skirt nearly bouncing over the leather pants, he hiked through the tall weeds gently pushing the occasional branch out of the way with his crossbow. When the blonde woman, beautiful and buxom in a pale pink slip and lace robe, appeared in front of him in a shower of sparks, he stopped short.

"Cupie, what are you doing?"

"Stop treating me like a child, Mother." Cupid protested.

"Then stop acting like one," his mother, Aphrodite, insisted. "People can _see_ you. This is so not a good idea."

Cupid dropped his crossbow to his side. "What are they gonna do, Mom? Beat me up?" He shook his head, annoyance growing even more visible. "Besides, everbody loves Cupid."

"Why won't you ever listen to me?" Aphrodite nearly screamed.

"Why won't you ever use my real name?" Cupid argued. "You're the one who gave it to me." Then he smiled that devious smile. "What would happen if Hera started calling you..." he paused to build up the anticipation. "Aphro?"

Aphrodite's hands shot up automatically to protect her golden tresses. "Sh-she would never do that," she stammered.

"She would totally do that," Cupid said. "It might even catch on." Then he walked off, swinging at the weeds in front of him as if his crossbow were a machette.

Aphrodite huffed and vanished in a shower of sparkles. In a moment, she was standing a few feet behind a man who was crouched down at a river bank, taking a sip. She smiled at the familiar brown leather pants and faded yellow tunic of her supposedly favorite big brother.

"Oh, Hercules..." she cooed.

Hercules nearly tumbled into the stream but caught himself and turned around. "Don't _do_ that!" he scolded.

"Please," Aphrodite said, "Do what?"

"Don't sneak up on me like that."

"But it's so much _fun_!" Aphrodite smiled broadly, then quickly pouted. "But enough about me. I need a favor."

Hercules rolled his eyes. "How is you needing a favor not about you?"

Aprhodite's eyes brightened as the fish was hooked. "Because the favor is for Cupid!" She clapped Hercules on the shoulder. "He needs his favorite uncle."

Hercules sighed. "Right. I'm always Cupid's favorite uncle when you think he needs me, and when you think he needs me, he usually thinks he doesn't."

"He's young," Aphrodite said dismissively. "He doesn't know about the dangers of the real world."

"What dangers?"

Aphrodite positively grinned. Then she turned to Hercules, more seriously. "Cupid is walking around outside that village over there..." Aphrodite waved vaguely, "making no effort to conceal himself. He's going to be spotted, and then he's going to be in trouble."

"Sparta?!" Hercules exclaimed. "Sparta is a village now?"

"Who cares. And so not the point."

"The point being...?"

"The point being that I need you to keep Cupid from getting hurt."

Hercules brought a hand to his chin and scratched a moment. "Do you really think there's anything I can do to protect a god? Even if he did need me -- which he doesn't, by the way -- I wouldn't be able to do anything he couldn't do for himself."

"You could talk to him," Aphrodite suggested, twirling a lock of hair in her fingers.

"You know I love Cupid -- everybody loves Cupid -- He's my favorite deity."

Aphrodite scowled and reached to slap Hercules, but Hercules caught her hand just in time. "Not counting you." ... _Or, counting you, either way._

Aphrodite then smiled. "So, talk to him. Just tell him to be more careful, to protect himself."

"Tell you what I'll do," Hercules said. "I'll remind Cupid that Sparta is Ares' town and that things can get dicey when love and war mix. How's that?"

"And that he should stay invisible ... and call his mother."

Hercules walked off in the direction of the _village_ of Sparta, muttering, "The things I do for my family."

"I heard that!"

"If your not careful, your face is gonna freeze that way," Hercules called without turning around.

Aphrodite dashed her hands to her face, reaching, feeling and pressing to check for any wrinkles or anything out of place. She patted the top of her head. Then her furrowed brow released into a shrug and she vanished in a shower of sparkles.

********

The old woman sat at a round table in the middle of the tent. A dark cloth with golden fringe and stitchery covered the table, and a glass globe sat on the cloth. The curtain into the tent swayed and a man entered. He had dark hair, and a dark beard covering only his chin. His blue cloak and blue headdress held the dust of the day's journey.

"Did I say you could enter?" the old woman asked.

"Begging your pardon, madam," the man bowed and began to back away.

"You're here," the woman waved him in. "Speak your piece."

"I wish a potion," the man said, simply.

"You don't get a potion by wishing it," the woman clucked, "or by not saying what it's supposed to do."

The man growled quietly, then asked, his voice sweet as honey ...with a heavy dose of vinegar thrown in, "Do you have a potion that will strip a god of his powers?"

"What you ask is blasphemy," the woman stood.

"What I ask is a question," the man insisted, and he leaned in, thrusting his hands against the table so it shook. "If you have such a potion, I want to buy it."

"And I don't want you using such a potion on Hecate. ... _or_ Zeus."

"Or Hera or Athena or Aphrodite or Ares or Demeter or Hephaestus. Shall I go on?" the man asked. "I have money." He held out a large blue sack and shook it. It was quite loud with coin.

The woman's eyes narrowed. "Why would you want a potion that would strip a god of his powers if you weren't going to use it?"

"I said I wouldn't use it on Hecate or Zeus or Hera or Athena or Aphrodite or Ares or Demeter or Hephaestus," the man reminded her, "but there are other gods." Then the man's voice rose by a note or two. He looked down, to the side. "The ... the ... the Norse gods, for instance." He held himself very still, his eyes darting. "Ares wouldn't be happy if the Norse god of war tried to stake a claim here."

"That's true..." Either the woman couldn't see his eyes, or didn't notice. She turned to her shelves and reached for a small bottle containing a green liquid. She pulled it down and turned back. After stretching it out to him, she suddenly pulled back. "Swear to me..."

The man put a hand to his heart, and eyes rolling, he said, "I do solemnly swear that I will not use this potion on Zeus, Hera, Ares, Aphrodite, Hades, Bacchus, Athena, Posiedon, um... um... Artemis, Apollo, ... um ... Hestia ... Atlas ... Hercules ..."

"STOP!" The old woman interupted. "Hercules isn't a god."

"He's not?" the man feigned innocence. "Sorry. ... Um ... Hephaestus ..."

"Stop," the woman said, again.

"Still not a god?" the man asked.

"No, he's a god. 500 denar."

The man opened his purse and dumped the contents. A pile of coins poured out, almost covering the table. "That enough?" he asked.

"That's -- that's -- that's more than enough."

"Keep the change," the man said, and he snatched the bottle out of the woman's hands and left the tent quickly.

The woman bent over and began scooping the coins into her apron, squealing with delight.

********

Hercules dashed up a dirt path leading through clumps of tall grasses. He stopped, placed his hands to his mouth and called out, "Cupid!"

A shower of sparkles announced Cupid's arrival. "Herc!" he cried, then he encircled Hercules in bare arms. "How's my favorite uncle?"

"I'm good, I'm good," Hercules muttered. "How's my favorite nephew?"

"Oh, gosh," Cupid thought a moment. "I haven't checked on Jason's kids in a long time. Have they even started having kids of their own?"

Hercules laughed. "I meant you, cheese head."

"Hey! Watch the name calling," Cupid smiled through the mock-scolding. "I'll set the powers of Olympus on you."

"No, thanks. Hera gives me enough of that." Hercules paused. "So ..." He cleared his throat. "Aphrodite..."

"...asked you to come talk to me, to tell me to be more careful?" Cupid asked. "So, that's why you're here?" Without waiting for Hercules to respond, he pressed his fists into his sides and puffed out his rather impressive chest. "Oh, come on, Herc. You're supposed to be the cool one." Then he looked at him. "Well ... _almost_ cool."

"Aphrodite asked me to come talk to you," Hercules admitted, "and tell you to be more careful, but no, that's not why I'm here." Hercules placed his large hands on Cupid's shoulders. "I'm here because I haven't seen you since that whole mess with Psyche, and I heard you were here, so I thought I could ... see you."

"Now, that's why you're almost cool." Cupid smiled. "Yeah, Psyche," Cupid started to pace. "I mean, she's good. She's good. Big as a house, though." He rolled his eyes. "You know she's pregnant?" When Hercules nodded, he continued. "Hooo, that was sudden. Now it's all pickles this and ice cream that --- not at the same time, thank ZEUS!" He turned back, dashed up and hugged Hercules. "And it's awesome, but ... well ... she won't let me touch her until the baby comes."

"Won't let you...? Nothing?"

"Nothing," Cupid said. "I haven't had ... well ... you know." He patted Hercules' chest. "Of course you know. You've had a few of your own, right?" Then he squeezed Hercules' shoulders. "Oh, right, sorry. Anyway. Psyche told me to go out and find a lover."

"Psyche ... told you to..."

"I know, right, I mean, I'm supposed to be an Olympian. I should have had ... I dunno ... twenty or so by now? How long was Zeus married before he and your mom...Sorry, forget I asked."

Hercules waved off the question. "You know ... this doesn't sound like Psyche."

"Yeah, I think it's the hormones. But I've got this." Cupid snapped his fingers and a parchment appeared in his hands. He handed it to Hercules.

"I, Psyche, do solemnly swear and decree that being that I am big as a house and don't want Cupid to touch me, that I have asked him to take a lover and ..." He rolled the parchment back up. "Yeah, I can't read the rest of that."

"Bad penmanship? So, anyway, Psyche wants me to find a lover, which thrills mom and dad, but Psyche wants it to be a man so she won't get jealous."

"Which does not thrill mom and dad..." Hercules offered.

"Oh, no, they're cool," Cupid said, "I just need to find a guy. So, I started traipsing around, hoping somebody would notice me, what with me being Cupid and all, and now Mom throws a fit because 'People can see you!' Now, how am I supposed to attract somebody without him seeing me? She is such a pain!"

"Well..." Hercules cleared his throat, "You could ..." He wiped his forehead with a hand. "... You do have that..." he waved, indicating the bow.

"Oh," Cupid raised the crossbow. "Now, you know I don't like to use that on me ... or for me."

"Right... So, when you say she's 'big as a house' -- forgive me, but I do know your family -- is that litteral?"

"Pretty much." Cupid nodded. "Hence the no touching, and hence the finding a lover. Hey, Herc," Cupid brightened. "You wouldn't..."

Hercules frowned. "I'm your uncle."

"Oh," Cupid laughed, "No. I didn't mean ... Not that I wouldn't." He eyed Hercules up and down. "Yeah... maybe ... but, no, I know you wouldn't go for that. I just thought maybe you might know somebody."

"... I don't know ... To help you cheat on Psyche..."

"She's begging me to do it, man!" Cupid insisted. "Come on. Be the cool uncle, not just the almost cool uncle."

"Gosh, look at the time," Hercules said, looking at his empty wrist. "I gotta go." And he dashed off.

"You're loosing serious cool points," Cupid called after him. "And you're not even wearing a sun-dial!"

He sighed, shrugged, and got onto the trail, heading toward Sparta. He didn't see the man in the blue cloak hiding behind the large tree. As he walked past the tree, the man popped out behind him. Cupid swung his crossbow absently at the brush to either side of him. The man got closer and closer.

It took less than a second. The man grabbed a thick wad of Cupid's extremely blond hair, pulled back violently and poured the green liquid down Cupid's open mouth, then covered his mouth with his own hand. Cupid swallowed and the man released him.

Cupid sputtered a moment, trying to spit out the liquid. Then he looked up to glare at the man. "What was that for?" he demanded. "That was so not cool." But then he stopped, and stood, as a tingling came over him. He shivered, then shook, then a spasm ran from his feet to his head, down his arms, then back the way it had come. He could feel the dark mist cover him. The white wings on his back began to shrink, then shriveled, then vanished altogether. He reached back for them desperately, but only found a smooth back. "What -- What did you do?"

He wheeled back to punch the man, but the man punched first, sending him sprawling to the grass.

The man grabbed one of Cupid's ankles in one hand, and the other ankle in the other. He hoisted them up to his hips, and turned. He walked down the trail toward Sparta, dragging Cupid behind him.

********

Cupid opened his bleary eyes slowly. His jaw hurt -- it actually hurt. The back of his head also hurt. His quiver of arrows was gone. He was sitting on a wooden chair. His hands were behind his back. He tried to move them, but they wouldn't budge, and he could feel the ropes biting into the skin of his wrists. He tried to stand. More ropes bit into his chest. He could also feel the pressure of the ropes around his legs holding him down to the chair. The room was dark.

The man in blue lit a lamp on the wall, then another. Cupid looked around the room. A large number of piles of sheets had been placed around him, with partitions between each set. Cupid blinked and squinted and furrowed his brow.

"What are you doing?" he finally asked.

"You're up," The man ... didn't answer, "... again. I had to hit you several more times until everything was ready. But now we can get started."

"What's going on?" Cupid shook his head rapidly to try to clear it.

The man grabbed the sheet directly in front of Cupid and pulled it back. Under the sheet was a beautiful woman, about twenty-two years old, with waves of brown hair cascading down the sides of a delicate face. She appeared to be asleep. "This is Delandia," the man said. "If you're lucky, maybe she'll get to you first."

"Wha--"

The man walked up to Cupid and turned his chair slightly so he was facing another sheet. "If you're not so lucky..." he dashed back to this new sheet and pulled it back to reveal another woman, this one about thirty and weighing about three hundred pounds. "...maybe Timna will catch you, though I daresay you could probably out-run Timna ... well ... if you could run." He turned Cupid again and moved on to the next sheet. "This is Laedriall." The wrinkled old crone's gray hair reached down to the floor. "But wait, there's more. **His** name is Adonis." Adonis was the most beautiful man Cupid had ever seen, with a full chest and wavy chestnut hair. "And this is Paris. Oh, but maybe you like boys -- or rather, men." He pulled the next sheet.

"Hercules?" Cupid sat, mouth gaping.

"You know him?"

"He's my ... uncle," Cupid stated.

"Well, vice is nice, as they say." The man lifted Hercules' unconscious face. "Of course, _they_ don't have uncles who go crazy and kill their own children."

"Hey! That was -- He was acquitted of that."

"If you say so. In which case, we have..."

"Joxer?!"

"You know him, too?" The man studied Joxer's face carefully. "Not another uncle, I'm sure. Well, I guess you do get around."

"We ... met ... once ..." Cupid stumbled, warily, "briefly."

"So, you're not close?"

"No," Cupid said, "no. H-h-how? Are they drugged?"

"Of course they're drugged. How stupid are you?" The man glared at Cupid. "Well, look at you. How stupid do you look?" Then he chuckled. Well, maybe not as stupid as these fools. You'd be amazed at how many people, when you offer to buy them a drink, they'll actually drink it."

"So you didn't pull their hair and force-feed them?" Cupid struggled against the ropes that dug into his flexing shoulders.

"No, that was special, just for you," the man glowered. "Besides, guy like Hercules woulda ripped my head off."

The man continued around the circle. After the seemingly normals, there was a string of monsters, both human and not-so-much. There was King Midas, who could turn anything to gold with his touch -- including his own daughter. There was Periphetes, who would bash men's heads with his brass club, Atlanta, a huntress who spurned men in general, a centaur, a siren, a steer with very long horns, a rather large crab, a serpent, a small dragon and more. The man removed the final sheet.

"_MEDUSA?!_" Cupid cried, shutting his eyes tight.

"No," the man said, "This is a gorgon, all right, but not that gorgon."

"But if anyone looks at her, they'll be turned to stone!"

"Exactly _how_ stupid are you?" the man asked. "Clearly, I haven't been turned to stone. This one actually has to bite you for that. Or rather," and with that, he stroked one of the thick black snakes sleeping on top of her head, "one of these does. She was a tougher one to drug, though. Had to do a lot of sneaking around to slip that one a mickey. She was even tougher than the dragon."

Cupid opened tear soaked eyes. "Why are you doing this?"

The man walked up to him and grabbed Cupid's ear. "Look at me! Look at me!" When Cupid complied, he continued. "You don't even remember." He released Cupid in disgust. "You took my wife from me! You stole Pelane and you shamed me."

"Pelane ... Pelane ..." Cupid racked his brain for the name. "Pelane!" He looked at the man sideways. "You would beat her regularly-- three times a day, in fact."

"So? What of it?"

"So, she begged me for help and I gave it to her."

The man slapped Cupid, hard across the face. "You gave her a stinking, lying..."

"I gave her a suitor who would love her and treat her decent."

Another slap, harder than the last, crossed Cupid's reddened cheek. "The slut disgraced me all over the city. She and her rutter opened up a little inn," the man punched Cupid in the stomach, "...right in the middle of Sparta."

"And that's all you care about," Cupid said, eyes blazing, "your shame."

"That's all that matters."

A trickle of blood dripped from the corner of Cupid's mouth. "Zeus will kill you for this."

"Awww," the man cried in mock-sympathy, "look who hasn't read his contract." He grabbed Cupid's hair and pulled up and back. "I stripped you of your powers. You're a mortal now. Zeus aint gonna do squat."

The man dropped Cupid's head, then left the circle, but he came back a moment later. "Now for the fun part. I'm gonna stick these," he held up Cupid's arrows, which he'd taken from him. "...in them." He indicated the people, beasts and monsters around Cupid. "And when they wake up, you are all they are going to see."

"No..." Cupid trailed off.

"Oh, yeah."

"They'll kill me," he grimmaced, "and each other."

"Yeah, probably," the man laughed, and he set to work, thrusting arrow after arrow into men, women, heroes, villains, monsters and animals alike. "Now, while you wait to see who gets to you first, I'm gonna get out of your way."

After the man left, Cupid sat there, tied to his chair. He called out for his mother, for Zeus, for anyone, but no one came. What his shouting did do was wake the others.

"Cupid?" Hercules asked before the doe-eyes overtook him. He stood and flexed. "Mmmm, Cupid."

The others also awoke. Cupid looked around frantically. Midas looked at Cupid, stretched out his arms and turned the walls around him to gold. The steer pawed at the ground restlessly. The women mewed and purred and pulled at their clothing. Adonis rubbed his own chest while the serpent licked its lips. Periphetes grabbed his club and Paris grabbed his crotch...

Paris got to him first. He drew his sword and hacked the ropes that tied Cupid down, then grabbed him and pulled him to himself. Timna grabbed Paris' hair and threw him aside. Cupid ducked and ran toward Adonis, who smiled and began to pull away his shirt. Cupid skimmed right under Adonis' spread legs, into a corner.

The mob turned to face him. "Uh-oh," he muttered. Then he called out, "Hercules!"

"Cupid!" Hercules also pulled at his shirt.

"You know I love you, Unc."

"And I love you," Hercules sauntered up to his leather-panted nephew.

Cupid pushed Hercules down and he fell into the mob. "So I'm real sorry about that," Cupid said. Delandia turned to gold and a wild boar turned to stone. Cupid ran as fast as he could along the wall toward the door the other man had left through. A lion's claw raked his skirts and a gorgon snake just missed his ear. He got outside and pushed the door shut as the brass club came down on it.

Cupid turned and saw the man in blue with the black goatee standing in front of him, holding Cupid's crossbow. The man tilted his head to the left. Two men were discussing the sale of a parrot. The jilted husband let arrows fly, hitting all three, who turned and locked eyes with Cupid.

"Oh ... shit!" Cupid cried. He fled from the door and ran past another house. The old couple in the house heard the commotion, looked out and raced for the door. Cupid turned and ran as hard as he could.

Panting, Cupid stopped for a moment under a fig tree. The long, cream-colored snake in the tree hung down low toward him and turned to face him. It hissed. Cupid screamed and grabbed the snake's head. Then an arrow hit and the snake dropped out of the tree and curled itself around Cupid's waist. The snake thrust its tail into Cupid's pants and curled the tail around his cock.

"No! No! No!" Cupid yelled, banging the snake's head against the branch it had been resting on just moments before. The snake went limp and Cupid threw it down to the ground.

"_It's HIM_!" a woman called. Cupid turned his head to see the large woman, Timna, running toward him, with a large group behind her. Quickly, several of the others had overtaken her. Timna grunted. "Next time I'm keeping my mouth shut."

A hiss brought Cupid's head back down. The snake had come to and slithered toward him. It wrapped around his ankle, and he screamed, kicking it away.

Cupid ran, away from the snake and away from the mob coming up the hill toward him. He rounded a now-empty section of the marketplace and dashed behind a wooden cart. He ducked down and crawled under the cart. Then he heard the song.

********

At the far end of the marketplace, Hercules marched into the crowd, throwing several people aside. He stopped next to the man in the pointy hat and tin breast shield. He scanned the crowd.

"Hey, Hercules," Joxer said.

"Joxer," Hercules growled.

"Have you seen Cupid around?"

Hercules shoved Joxer to the ground with a grunt. "He's _mine_!" he bellowed. Hercules pushed and shoved through the crowd and reached a cart covered in jewelry. He eyed the pieces.

"If you're looking for yourself," the salesman offered, and he held up a gold armband, "this will show off your biceps."

Hercules pushed the man aside. "He already has arm bands." Then he reached into a pile of beads and pulled out a string of reddish brown stones.

"Excellent choice, sir," the salesman gushed. "Those stones are the finest garnet from far-off Persia. And they'll only cost you..."

"He'll love it. I'll take it." Hercules stuffed the beads into his shirt.

"Of course," the salesman said, "That'll be..."

Hercules punched him. "I said, 'I'll take it.' This is for Cupid. You should be paying him to wear it."

Hercules glanced at the table of jewels and reached in again, then ran off toward the hill where Cupid had last been seen. "I'm coming, darling!"

********

It was the most beautiful song he had ever heard. He tilted his head. Then he absently stroked his own yellow-blond hair. Cupid ran his fingers down the stubble on his chin. Slowly and cautiously, he inched his way toward the edge of the cart and poked his head out. The song got louder and Cupid crawled out and stood to face the siren. She smiled a smile of razor sharp fangs that rivaled the talons on the tips of her fingers. Cupid smiled back, fingering the leather straps crisscrossing his chest and the skirt around his waist. She beckoned, her song filling his ears and he walked forward.

He reached for her and a claw dug into his neck while another slashed at his skirts. Pain shot through him as the song drenched his soul. He closed his eyes, waiting for the kiss. She opened her mouth wide, and a sliver of tongue sliced into his lip as it reached for him. Then she withdrew. Her arms went limp and the song was silenced. Cupid opened his eyes, his mind clearing and he saw the large man with the club smiling at him, the siren in a lump at his feet. Periphetes reached into his loin cloth, feeling between his own legs. He smiled and winked and raised the club again. Cupid ducked as the club swung through where his head had just been. Cupid pushed at him and ran.

"Wait! Stop!" Periphetes yelled. "I love you!"

Cupid ran down a street and rounded a corner. He looked over his shoulder to see Periphetes leading a crowd toward him. He felt a door to his left, so he pushed it open and ducked inside. The room positively glowed. The table, the plates and cups, even the cloth laid across the table were all gold. A lamp stand and the candle hanging from it were also gold. Eyes wide, he searched the room frantically. Then he saw King Midas enter the room through another doorway. The king held a cluster of golden grapes in his hands.

"This is for you," he said, "untold riches all for you." He came closer and closer holding the grapes out in extended arms. "Oh, I love you so much."

"Thanks..." Cupid said warily, "That's ... very ... generous ... of you." He arched backward as Midas reached for him, but caught only the window curtain behind him. Cupid bobbed and dove for the window, landing hard on the ground outside. He pushed against the ground, but he seemed so much heavier now. He looked down and the skirt he wore had been changed to gold. Cupid managed to push up and crawl away as the door to the home turned to gold. He scampered up a hill and dove behind a bush. Then he fumbled with the skirt. Finally, he opened it and pushed it down, leaving him in the leather pants underneath.

"Cupid! Oh, Cupid!" Several voices were calling to him.

Heart pounding, he shut his eyes. He was hyperventilating. He buried his head in his hands, then brushed the hands through his hair, then down his chest and legs. He opened his eyes and jumped up. A large crab claw collided with his head and he fell backward and down the hill.

He landed in the dirt. Hearing several clicks and ticks, he rolled over to find the crab on top of him. It straddled him and lowered itself. Cupid grimmaced as the crab's underbelly rubbed against his chest. He pushed, desperately. Then a sword flashed. It poked at the crab's mouth. As the crab snapped at his attacker, Cupid slid himself out through the back. He turned quickly to see Adonis battling the crab. Cupid looked around and saw a large rock. He strained and contorted his face, arm and shoulder muscles stretching as he lifted the rock. He cradled it in his arms and jumped onto the crab's back. Making his way to the front, he dodged a pincer and dropped the rock above the giant crab's eyes. It collapsed and Cupid jumped off.

Gazing up and down over his ... rescuer, Cupid shrugged. "I could do worse." He grabbed Adonis' arm."Come on," he yelled, and the two of them rounded another corner and hid in another house.

"Finally," Adonis breathed. "Oh, how I love you." He reached around Cupid's back and pulled him to him. Adonis grabbed the back of Cupid's head and pulled him into a deep, long kiss. His tongue thrust into Cupid's bloody mouth. The man pulled at Cupid's pants.

"Stop!" Cupid pushed at Adonis. "We need to get out of here."

"We need to make _love_," Adonis insisted.

"No, we need to get out of here before they find us and turn you into stone and me into gold."

"You would look beautiful in gold," Adonis panted as he grabbed Cupid's ass and pulled them together. His hardness pressed between Cupid's legs.

Cupid pushed again. "But my ... my ... parts ... wouldn't work." And Cupid looked down to try to make his point.

"That would be a problem," Adonis admitted. "So, we'd better hurry!" He pressed his mouth against Cupid's.

"No, so, let's go!" Cupid looked into Adonis' eyes and raised an eyebrow.

"You're so cute when you do that." Adonis twisted Cupid, his chest against the wall and pushed against him.

"LATER!" Cupid yelled.

"I can't wait!"

Adonis broke his hold on Cupid long enough to fumble with the broach holding his clothes on and Cupid made a break for it.

He ran out of the house and a man grabbed his right arm while another grabbed his left. The man on his right, the parrot salesman, was lean and muscular with wavy brown hair and dark brown eyes. The man on his left had been buying the parrot. He had neat, black, short-cropped hair, the palest of blue eyes and large muscles that billowed out of his robes. Cupid stiffened in spite of the pain shooting through his arms as they both tugged. He could have given in to either of them...

"I saw him first," the parrot-buyer yelled as he locked a hand around Cupid's elbow. The other hand squeezed his biceps until it felt it could burst.

"Oh, take your parrot and go home!" the parrot salesman yelled. Both his hands clutched at Cupid's own hand and he leaned his full weight backward, nearly pulling Cupid's arm out of the socket.

"The deal's off," the first man said. "Take your parrot and the money. I'm taking him."

The parrot in question waddled up to the three of them, eyed Cupid with its right eye, then turned its left to him. It whistled appreaciatively.

"Oh, come on!" Cupid tried to swing the men together, but they wouldn't budge. He kicked dirt at the parrot. "Go away, bird, go away!"

Then the two men did swing around, colliding with each other and falling to a heap on top of the bird. Cupid sidestepped them, turned and slammed right into a chest full of yellow tunic. He reached up and fingered the tunic, then looked into the face of his uncle. "Hercules," he blurted. "Ya look ... good."

"And you look fantastic." Hercules grabbed Cupid's head in his two hands and pulled him into a kiss. Then he thrust his right hand between Cupid's legs.

"Woah, Herc..."

Hercules lifted Cupid off the ground and across his broad shoulders. He grabbed Cupid's hands with his left hand and looked around the neighborhood.

"Stop! Stop! Put me down!" Cupid yelled.

Hercules set Cupid back on the ground and turned him to face him, "I have something for you."

Cupid looked over Hercules' shoulder. The crowd of Spartans, heroes, villains and monsters were still mulling about the marketplace. Suddenly, a girl of about 14 turned toward them and called, "CUPID!" She raced toward them.

Cupid's eyes grew wide. "Pick me up! Pick me up!"

Hercules grinned and grabbed Cupid's waistband, hoisting him again over his shoulders. He turned and turned around, looking for a direction to go.

"That way," Cupid said, pointing down the road away from the market, "and hurry!"

Hercules ran down the street as directed.

"Now, up that hill." Cupid continued to direct Hercules from his shoulders. Up the hill, then down the other side, across a stream and over a glen. "Into those woods and find a place for us to hide."

"You want to get back to nature?"

"Yes, yes, now go!"

"Kinky. I like it." Hercules heaved Cupid higher on his shoulders and bounded into the woods. His thick legs cut a path through the brush, around a cluster of trees, and deeper into the woods. He jumped over a fallen log and a low-lying branch clipped Cupid's head.

"OW!"

"Sorry, beloved." Hercules set Cupid down and Cupid rubbed the back of his head. "Here, let me see." He turned Cupid around and kissed the back of his head, then turned him back again. "There. All better." He wrapped his arms around him and kissed his lips.

"Look, Herc, I think you're great, almost cool, even."

"And I think you're wonderful," Hercules whispered.

"No-no, that's not---"

"I have something for you." Hercules reached into his tunic and pulled out the strand of garnet. He placed it around Cupid's neck.

"It's -- it's -- it's beautiful." Cupid lifted the necklace to look more closely while Hercules kissed his shoulder. "...And _expensive_." Then he eyed Hercules sideways. "Where'd you get the money for this?"

"It's only a pale imitation of my love for you," Hercules gushed. "And it doesn't compare to your beauty."

Cupid glared at Hercules. "I asked you where you got the money to pay for it."

"What difference does that make?" Hercules evaded.

"I know you don't have this kind of money."

"I took it," Hercules admitted. "I took it for you, because you're worth it."

Cupid lifted the necklace off his shoulders. "I can't accept this," he insisted. Then he reached over and lifted Hercules' crestfallen face. "Listen to me: This isn't like you. You need to take it back."

"Oh, of course!" Hercules exclaimed. "I know what the problem is. Here. I have the matching earrings." And he pulled those out of the tunic and put them into Cupid's hand.

"No, that's not what I --- Hey, these are nice." Cupid admired the earrings, then lifted one up to the light. Then, he frowned. "Except for the fact that I don't have pierced ears."

"Oh," Hercules said. "Well, we can fix that."

"Now, you listen to me," Cupid scolded as he pushed the jewelry back into Hercules' hands. "You're a _hero_, you dumbass. You DON'T STEAL. Now, you're going to take this stuff back where you got it and you're going to apologize to whoever you took it from."

"You're beautiful when you're angry." Hercules brushed his hand through Cupid's hair.

"Well, I'll be even more beautiful when you've taken these back."

"You could never be more beautiful to me than you are right now."

"Alright, fine!" Cupid bellowed. "You'll be more beautiful to me when you've returned these."

"If I return these," Hercules held the jewelry up in his fist, "then will you love me?"

"Yes," Cupid gave, exasperated, "if you return those I will love you."

"And we can finally be together?"

Cupid buried his head in a hand. He sighed heavily. "I'll be here, waiting for you, when you get back," he evaded.

Hercules turned and dashed back the way they'd come.

"And apologize!" Cupid called after him. There was no reply. Cupid stepped out from behind the trees. "Herc?" He took a few steps. "Uncle Hercules?" He walked around a few more trees, then came to the solid gold Hercules standing in the middle of a cluster of golden weeds and vines. "Oh, Hercules."

"Finally," Midas exclaimed as he popped out from behind Hercules.

Cupid jumped back with a start and a gasp.

"I've been looking all over for you." Midas stepped toward him.

"Please, don't," Cupid begged. He stepped back and a golden reed snapped under his feet. "Please don't touch me." Cupid continued backward as Midas stepped closer. He backed into a tree. "Please," Cupid continued, shying away from Midas' outstretched hand.

"But I love you," Midas insisted.

Cupid reached around the tree behind him and inched away. "Look, I'm beg--" But his voice stopped as Midas touched his chest.

"I promise," Midas said as he kissed the golden Cupid, "that I will find a way to bring you back." He pressed his hands against Cupid's chest and bent in to kiss him. He tried to squeeze his tongue between Cupid's golden lips, but they wouldn't part.

Midas shrugged and patted Cupid's chest. He turned him around and grabbed a shoulder. With a hand on Cupid's ass, he pulled his shoulder back and dragged him over to where Hercules stood, stiff as the statue he'd become. "See?" Midas said, indicating Hercules, "I've got a fine dowry to offer you. A golden statue of Hercules will bring us a fortune on the open market." He dragged Cupid the rest of the way out of the woods to a golden cart. He leaned Cupid against the cart and grabbed his crotch. Midas grunted and heaved and pushed Cupid up into the cart where he landed amid the golden fruit, plates and cups, next to the gold statues of Delandia, Timna and the steer.

A few moments later, the golden statue that had been Hercules dropped on top of Cupid. Midas climbed into the seat of the cart and grabbed the reins. With a yell, he started up the horses.

He drove the cart back through Sparta to the road leading out of town. As they headed into the hills, a storm cloud gathered. A bolt of lightning struck the cart, sending everything and everyone flying.

********

Cupid's eyes fluttered open --- Cupid's _eyes_ fluttered. He moved his hands slowly, then reached to touch his face. It was soft -- well, not _that_ soft, but his cheek moved at his touch. He opened his mouth wide, then closed it again. He bolted into a sitting position. He frantically felt his chest and it too gave to his touch. He reached behind himself ... Then he frowned. Still no wings.

The cart was a pile of shredded wood. The steer lay on the ground to his left, along with the young woman, Delandia. Timna lay to his right, with Hercules stretched across her feet. Dishes, food, curtains, small chairs and more were scattered all over. Midas had been thrown clear, and lay on a tree stump that had been turned gold.

"Her--Her--" he could barely hear his own rough and scratchy voice. He coughed. "Hercules?" Then he thought a moment and stood. Climbing over a pile of debris. He scrambled clear of the wreckage, then stood up straight. He breathed in, expanding his chest to its fullest and stretched his arms toward the sky.

A shriveled arm wrapped around his chest, toying with his nipple. The hand slipped down his rippled abs while another stroked up his back. "At last, I've found you," the old woman, Laedriall, said as she cupped a hand on his crotch. Cupid turned, which gave Laedriall a chance to squeeze his ass.

He reached for her shoulders, but she stood on tip-toe so he would touch her sagging breasts instead. Cupid grimmaced. "You're under a spell," he tried to explain.

"I'm under _your_ spell," she responded. "Oh, your eyes are like azure pools."

"They're green," Cupid said.

"Huh?"

"Azure is blue. My eyes are green."

"Really?" The old woman tilted her head, then shrugged it off. Then she dropped both hands down and untied Cupid's pants. As he squirmed, she pushed the pants away and grabbed his cock. "You're not getting away from me."

"You don't understand," Cupid insisted. "You don't really want this."

She pushed him down to the ground. "Tartarus I don't!" She ripped off her dress and jumped on him. She pressed cracked lips against the smooth cheek above his stubble over and over while her frail hands grabbed his cock and fumbled with it. She managed to get him inside her and began to bounce up and down.

Cupid pushed her away and was surprised at how easily she fell. Then he looked up and saw Joxer standing above him. Joxer reached out his hand.

Cupid took the hand warily, stood and held his pants together with one hand while Joxer pulled the other. Joxer led Cupid to another wooden cart. Joxer climbed up, then reached down for Cupid.

"Come, my love!"

"Ugh!" Cupid groaned, but he took the hand and climbed into the cart next to Joxer.

Joxer reached for Cupid's head, running his hands all over, then he rested his own head against Cupid's chest. "You're even more beautiful than I remember."

"Probably the lack of wings," Cupid groused. "Look, Joxer." He took Joxer's hands in his own. "You need to get me someplace safe. All these other people ... they're chasing after me, and they're ... they're not like you."

"Do you really think I'm special?" Joxer asked.

"Um ... uh ... yeah ... sure," Cupid said. "But listen: if they find us, they'll kill you to get to me, and then they'll rip me apart, or turn me into st--"

"We need to get you to safety!" Joxer cried and he grabbed the reins, yelled at the horse drawing the cart and started off. Joxer then took the reins in one hand and with the other, reached for Cupid's thigh, running his hand around toward his crotch.

"Both hands on the reins!" Cupid scolded. Then he quickly retied his pants. Cupid eyed Joxer as Joxer studied the road ahead of them. "Joxer... what color are my eyes?"

Without taking his eyes off the road, Joxer answered. "They're green." Then he frowned. "Why?"

Cupid turned away from him. "No reason," he lied.

The cart made its way along the path, back toward Sparta.

"Sparta is not safety," Cupid warned.

"Relax," Joxer said, both hands securely on the reins, "I know the perfect place." Then he started to sing.  
"_Joxer the mighty  
Roams through the countryside  
He never needs a place to hide  
With Gabby as his sidekick_"

Cupid joined in the singing.

********

Xena and Gabrielle tromped up the hill.

"Since when do we get ordered around by Ares?" Gabrielle asked.

"We're not being ordered around by Ares," Xena explained. "People in Sparta are rioting, and it being Sparta ... somebody's going to get hurt."

"That doesn't explain why Ares can't do his own ... is that Joxer?"

Xena squinted. "It ... looks like him. ... Who's that with him."

"If I didn't know better, I'd swear it was Cupid."

"Nah. If that's Cupid, where are his wings?"

********

They skirted around Sparta and down a hill to a nearby village where Joxer stopped the cart in front of a golden temple. He jumped off the cart and reached for Cupid.

Cupid didn't move from the cart. "Do you know who's temple this is?"

"It's Aphrodite's temple," Joxer answered. "You don't like it?"

"No," Cupid grinned, "it really is perfect." And he climbed down off the cart.

Joxer licked his lips as he gazed at Cupid's leather-clad ass. "Yes, perfect. Aphrodite's temple, the perfect place for first-time lovers."

Cupid reached ground and turned to him. "What?"

"We should get inside before someone sees us."

"Oh, Right." They yanked open the doors and dashed inside.

Joxer led Cupid behind an altar filled with plates and cups of choice fruits and wines. Joxer ripped off his make-shift armor and pulled Cupid into an embrace.

"Wait, Joxer, slow down," Cupid protested.

Joxer grasped the back of Cupid's head with one hand and pressed their lips together while his other travelled down Cupid's back and into his pants. As his tongue met with the blond's, his hand gently squeezed Cupid's butt.

"thto--" Cupid squirmed "thto--"

Joxer separated for a moment. "What is it, my love?"

Joxer's other hand continued to slide along Cupid's ass and in between his cheeks. He stretched and fingertips touched just behind Cupid's balls.

"I said, 'sto-- ... sto--' um ... never mind." And Cupid returned Joxer's kiss with one of his own.

Cupid pulled down his pants and wrapped a leg around Joxer's. He entwined with Joxer, pressing their chests together. His cock grew hard as his breathing turned heavy. He gently fumbled with Joxer's clothes, then turned him around. His strong hands pressed Joxer's pelvis and chest toward him as they lay side by side on the floor.

Then Joxer pulled away. He turned to Cupid, his eyes damp. "I can't do this." He stood and adjusted his clothes.

Cupid stood and turned Joxer to him, "What do you mean, can't?"

"You'll be safe here," Joxer said. "I'll get help."

"You're not leaving! Joxer, you gotta help me. Those people out there... Dude, I need you."

"I love you," Joxer said and he reached slowly for Cupid's shoulder, but then he drew back and turned away. "But I'm not worthy."

"You're not ... Whuh?"

"You're Cupid!" Joxer exclaimed, "And I'm just ..." he looked down at his make-shift warrior garb on the ground. "...me."

Cupid pulled Joxer's hat off of him and cupped his cheek. "Hey, hey, hey, none of that. Look at my back." He turned around for Joxer.

"It's beautiful." Joxer smiled through the tears about to form.

"But you don't see any wings, do you?"

"You're beautiful, with or without wings."

"Thanks," Cupid smiled, "but that's not what I was going for." He turned back to Joxer. "I'm human now. Somebody stole my powers and made me a mortal, just like you."

Joxer swallwed. "Even mortal, you're still not just like me."

"So, you don't want to be with me?" Cupid asked.

"No, I do, I do, more than I can stand."

The doors to the temple opened and Cupid and Joxer both turned to face them. Joxer pulled a small dagger from his belt and stepped forward. Xena and Gabrielle stepped out of the glare of the open door toward them.

"Stand back!" Joxer called. "He's mine!"

Cupid turned back to him. "I thought you said..."

"That doesn't mean I'm going to let someone else hurt you. I love you too much."

"Joxer?" Gabrielle stared.

"Cupid, are you all right?" Xena asked.

Cupid brushed a hand through his hair. "That depends. Do you want to have sex with me?"

Xena chortled. "Um ... not at the moment?" It was as much a question as an answer.

"Gabrielle?" Cupid asked.

"Um ... well ... um ..." she reddened. "You are kind of ... um ... I mean ... uh ... no?"

"Thank the gods!" Cupid raced over to them and wrapped them both up in a great big hug.

Gabrielle and Xena both hesitantly patted his shoulders. "Sure ... no problem," Gabrielle said.

Just then, Joxer marched forward and pulled Cupid away from them. "Unhand my man," Joxer bellowed and he brandished the knife.

"Joxer, no!" Cupid yelled and he jumped in front of Xena and Gabrielle. The knife stopped a hair's breadth away from his navel.

"Cupid!" Joxer cried.

"It's okay," Cupid said. "Just ... put the knife away, okay."

"They were going to come between us."

"No," Cupid insisted. "They're our friends. You remember Xena, and Gabrielle. Friends? Besides, nothing is going to come between us."

"Between us?" Gabrielle asked.

Cupid ignored her. "I'm here with you, Joxer." He squeezed Joxer's arm and ran the other hand into Joxer's hair. "Only you."

"Really?" Joxer asked.

Cupid shrugged. "Really. I want to be with you."

"Wait," Xena said. "You and Joxer?"

"You and Joxer?" Gabrielle echoed. "Since when?"

"Me and Joxer." Cupid wrapped an arm around him. "Don't knock it if you haven't tried it."

Joxer smiled, dreamily.

Gabrielle guffawed. "Me and Joxer? I don't---"

"I think he meant you and me," Xena corrected.

Cupid nodded slowly.

"Xena? ... And Me? ... Oh, I don't..." Gabrielle turned to look at her companion. "Well... Hmmm..."

"Mm-hm," Cupid said.

Joxer enveloped Cupid in his arms, caressing his chest and his back. "Oh, darling, do you mean it?"

"Yeah..." Cupid said. "Yeah, I do." Then he turned back to Xena. "Could you two maybe ... give us a little privacy ... and make sure nobody followed you?"

Xena ran a hand down her chokra. "First, you're going to tell me what's going on. Where are your wings? Why is Sparta rioting? You must know something about that."

"Okay, okay," Cupid pulled Joxer's hands off of himself. He took both of Joxer's hands in his own as he explained everything to Xena.

"So," Xena repeated, "a jilted lover took revenge on you by stealing your powers and shooting all of Sparta with your arrows?"

"That's it in a nutshell."

"And Joxer doesn't love you at all. He's just another victim in all this?"

"Hey!" Joxer protested.

"Joxer," Gabrielle tried to sooth him. "This isn't you. It's a trick, a spell from one of Cupid's arrows. You're not yourself."

"I don't care," Joxer stomped. "This is my life and if I want to be with Cupid, you're not going to stop me."

"And what happens tomorrow when Cupid goes back to Psyche?" Gabrielle asked.

"Then tomorrow, I'll have the memory of tonight to treasure forever." Joxer insisted.

"And there's nothing we can do to change your mind?" Xena asked.

"I told you, Cupid," Joxer said. "They want you for themselves."

"I'm really sure they don't," Cupid replied, "D---um --darling."

"But there's something you can do, isn't there." Gabrielle marched at Cupid, holding her staff in her hands. "You can undo this whole mess, can't you."

"Not without his powers," Xena said, "but there's someone who can." She turned back to Cupid. "Isn't there?"

"Wha-- I don't know what you--"

But Gabrielle whirled around. "Aphrodite!" She called. "Aphrodite!"

The goddess appeared in a shower of sprinkles. "Stop the yelling!" she moaned. Then she grimmaced. "Ugh! This place reeks of mortals."

"Mother," Cupid said.

She turned and looked at him, then looked away quickly. "I can't talk to you."

"Well, then talk to me," Gabrielle threatened, waving her stick.

"Are you threatening me?" Aphrodite asked, incredulous.

"No," Cupid called as he ran between the two. "No, she's not."

"Yes, I am," Gabrielle insisted. "Look! People are rioting, Joxer's acting like an idiot--"

"Hey!" Joxer and Cupid both protested.

"You need to fix this," Gabrielle continued.

"No, I don't." Aphrodite scoffed.

"No?" Cupid asked, incredulously. "If Zeus hadn't saved me from Midas, I'd still be a gold statue."

"Yeah," Aphrodite winced. "About that... You know he saved Hercules with that lightning bolt, right?"

Aphrodite vanished in even more sprinkles.

********

She reappeared behind the temple. Then, in a flash of red light, Ares appeared next to her. She buckled over and he caught her in his arms.

"Oh, that was hard."

"I don't care," he said. "We have a deal. And you tried to tell him --- as much as you could. It's not your fault he wouldn't listen." They both vanished.

********

"They've really abandoned me," Cupid gasped. Then he stood up straight. "So now what?"

"Now," Xena answered, "we do what you suggested. We guard the temple while you two ... do whatever it is you do."

"But -- but --" Gabrielle tried to protest.

"No," Xena said. "Joxer is a grown up and he's made his decision. He knows what's going on and he knows the consequences."

"...Consequences... Consequences? You know, that might just ..." Cupid muttered.

"What was that?" Joxer asked.

"Just thinking," Cupid said. "Joxer! I need you to stay here and help Xena protect Aphrodite's temple."

Joxer breathed in deeply. "Of course. I won't let you down."

"Gabrielle, come with me," Cupid added.

"Gabrielle?" Joxer protested.

"She's not going to touch me."

"Unless that jilted ex-husband shoots her with one of your arrows," Xena said.

"As long as she doesn't look at me, everything'll be fine," Cupid insisted. "I need to do this."

Xena shrugged. "It can't get any worse. Go."

"But--" Both Joxer and Gabrielle protested as Cupid grabbed Gabrielle's arm and pulled her out through the back of the temple.

They peered around the corner, and Cupid whistled. The horse that had brought him with Joxer cantered up, pulling the cart behind it.

"We need speed," Cupid explained, "so we'll need to unhitch the horse."

"Where are we going?" Gabrielle asked on the other side of the animal.

"Sparta," Cupid answered.

"Sparta?" Gabrielle protested. "Isn't that where this mess started?"

"Very good," Cupid said. "Now get up."

********

They managed to get to the temple undetected and opened one of the double doors.

"Get behind the door," Cupid instructed. "Good. Now get ready to push when I say 'Go'."

Gabrielle nodded.

Cupid stepped out in front of the temple and looked down on the Spartan marketplace. A large number of people were fighting over pieces of cloth, jewelry, musical instruments, anything they could get their hands on.

"I saw it first."

"But I need to give it to Cupid."

"No, I need to give it to Cupid."

"He's _my_ lover and he'll only want it from me!"

Cupid almost backed into the temple. Instead, he cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "I'm over here!" Then he raced into the temple, yelled, "Go!" and the two of them pushed the door shut. Cupid lowered the bar in place.

They could hear the pounding on the doors, which began vibrating dangerously. Cupid entered the middle of the temple.

"Ares!" he shouted. "Ares!"

Ares appeared in a flash of red. "What is the meaning of this?" he bellowed.

"Heya, Ares," Cupid said as he sat on the altar and crossed his legs. He waved, nonchalantly.

"You have no place here, _mortal_."

"Gabrielle," Cupid called, "He's right. Open the doors."

"You wouldn't dare," Ares growled.

"Well... I really shouldn't" Cupid agreed. "After all, they will kill me." He leaned in toward Ares. "But, oh, what a way to go. And, they'll make a mess of your temple in the process."

"Mmmmffff" Ares grunted.

Cupid smiled.

"What do you want?" Ares grumbled.

"First," Cupid said as he cupped his hands on his knees, "I want to know how you got the entire pantheon to go along with this."

Ares crossed his arms. "I did nothing," he claimed.

"Right," Cupid nodded. "Gabrielle?"

Gabrielle pushed up against the bar holding the doors closed.

"STOP!" Ares yelled.

"Here's the deal," Cupid stood and walked over to Ares. "Either you get me my power back, or we open those doors and let all those people -- and the not-so-people -- come in here and trash _your_ temple."

"They'll rip you to shreds in the process," Ares warned.

"Yeah," Cupid admitted, "that part of the plan I'm not loving. But I can't run anymore. Besides, people are getting hurt out there." Cupid faced Ares and placed his hands on the god's shoulders. "Now, I can fix all of this. I can protect your temple _and_ restore order to your city." Then he turned away. "But I can't do it as a mortal."

"I won fair and--" Ares started.

"I knew it!" Cupid howled. "You bet my mother, didn't you?"

"Wait," Gabrielle blurted, "what?"

"See, Zeus kinda likes me -- at least, I like to think so," Cupid said.

"You're in no position--" Ares argued.

"And," Cupid interrupted, "I know my mother loves me and she would never put me at this kind of risk if she could help it."

"Maybe you don't know..."

"...so apparently, she _couldn't_ help it." Cupid stalked around the god of war. "After all, we all know how you like to cheat at cards --- sorry, I mean, play cards."

"Someone had to teach you a lesson," Ares grumbled.

"What lesson?" Gabrielle asked.

"That he can't get away with..."

"I like to think that I spread love and joy around with my arrows..." Cupid protested.

"Right," Gabrielle nodded. "You're Cupid."

"But it doesn't always work out that way for everyone," Ares stewed.

"Well, sure. Every time I put a couple together, there's a chance that I'm leaving somebody out in the cold, or that I'm breaking a couple up."

"Well..." Gabrielle said.

"And if I tear a couple apart because someone is abusive or undeserving, they might just decide that I'm behind it and they might just find a way to get back at me." Then he looked at Ares. "And you'd just love to lend a hand in that, wouldn't you? Did I get it right?"

Ares growled. "Let's not turn this into an after-school special. You'll fix this?"

"Nope," Cupid responded, grinning.

"NO?" Ares fumed. _NO_???"

"See, there's a slight problem with your little lesson." Cupid stood up. "And make no mistake, I know you're behind this. Love and War don't play well together, as Herc would say. See, this is so typical of you. You don't care that there's a man out there who was abusing his wife. They're only _mortals_ after all."

"The man who started this..." Ares began.

"... Will be punished, I'm sure. Not because he was wrong, but because you can't have him knowing he can take gods' powers away all over Greece." Cupid waved him off. I'm sure you have fantastically brutal plans for him, probably involving hot oils and whips and chains -- and not in a good way." Cupid glowered, arms crossed over his chest. Then he waved them in the air, spinning away. Ugh! You are such a hypocrite! You would have me do nothing to help this poor, battered woman when her husband deserved so much worse than he got, and now you tell me that while _I_ shouldn't have helped her, _you're_ going to punish him?"

"_I_ know what I'm..."

"Don't you dare tell me you know what you're doing." Cupid's eyes blazed. It's always this way. 'You're a lover, not a fighter, let Ares take care of it.' Well, not this time."

Ares growled ... again.

"Besides, you were just pissed because I picked on one of your acolytes." Cupid grabbed Ares' arm and turned him toward himself. This is my job, _and_ who I am, _**and**_ it's important. I have to be Cupid, and sometimes that's gonna mean breaking up a marriage, even a Spartan's marriage."

Ares turned away.

"But I'm not unreasonable," Cupid continued, "unlike some people -- well, not _people_ ... anyway, I'll tell you what I'll do. Once my powers are restored, I will fix everyone out there, so they stop trying to break down your temple."

Loud pounding on the door brought all of their heads around.

"And, I will learn how to defend myself so the next time somebody pulls my hair and tries to force-feed a potion and you and mother and Zeus decide to do nothing about it because my mother was stupid enough to play cards with you,..."

"Hmpf!"

"The _next time_," Cupid went on, I'll know how to stop him." Then he muttered, since you obviously won't."

"You want me to teach you self-defense?" Ares asked, incredulously.

"Not you."

"Then..."

"I have a few ideas of my own," Cupid explained. That's right, occasionally, I think for myself."

A loud crash sounded against the doors. They bowed a bit but didn't buckle.

"And you'll fix this?"

"I'll fix this," Cupid promised.

"And you'll listen to your mother?"

Cupid raised an eyebrow, but Ares didn't budge. "Fine. Whatever."

"You'll _listen to your mother_?" Ares stared the blond down. "She's the one who tried to tell you..."

"Yes, yes, alright. I'll listen."

"Not that you'll do everything she says," Ares grumbled.

"I think I can find a way to listen to her and still be a grown-up and do my job AND manage to take care of myself and make up my own mind... once in a while."

Ares waved his hand and vanished.

"Wait!" Gabrielle called, but Ares was gone.

She turned back to Cupid and saw a mist falling on him from directly above him. Cupid raised his hands to feel the mist and smiled. In a moment he began to glow. The wings stretched out behind his back. Then the mist stopped. He fluttered his wings as the glow faded.

********

Outside, the man who'd taken Cupid's power was in a tree, poised, aiming at the temple. When the crossbow vanished from his hand, he lost his balance, stumbled and fell to the ground.

********

He reached out his hand and his crossbow appeared in it. Cupid walked over to Gabrielle and took her in his arms.

"You told Joxer you wouldn't touch me," she warned.

"You want me to leave you here?" Cupid asked.

"Somehow, I don't think that's a good idea."

Cupid gathered her in his arms, stretched out his wings, and flew.

They landed back behind Aphrodite's temple. He lead her in through the same back way that they'd escaped and found Xena and Joxer sitting on the floor. The doors were suspiciously quiet.

"You already--" Gabrielle started.

"No," Cupid shrugged. "Not yet."

Joxer looked up. "Cupid!" he called as he raced over. Cupid greeted him with a palm to the forehead.

"Joxer?" Cupid asked. "You alright?"

"Yeah," Joxer said, "Um... I guess."

Xena also stood to face them. "What happened?"

"Do you want the long story or the short?" Cupid asked.

"How about you fill in the holes?" Xena suggested. "You've got your power back?"

Cupid nodded. "Yeah." He smiled. "When you started talking about consequences, it got me thinking. See, I thought that Olympus had abandoned me..."

"You said that," Gabrielle remembered.

"...but every time someone was this close to really hurting me, or killing me, something got in the way."

"And you think that was Zeus?" Joxer asked.

"Or Hera or Aphrodite or Demeter or whoever. Well, maybe not Hera. All through this thing, they were watching and interfere-- making sure nothing went too wrong."

"But Aphrodite said--" Joxer started.

"She lied," Gabrielle offered.

"Actually," Xena pondered, "she didn't."

"Right," Cupid agreed. "She only said that Zeus saved Hercules, which he did. She couldn't tell me the truth because of the bet, I'm pretty sure."

"What bet?" Joxer asked.

"Never play poker with Ares." Cupid winked. "He's like a shark." He took Joxer's hands in his. "Now, Joxer, I have a lot of mess to clean up out there. But when I'm done, I was wondering..." Cupid swallowed. "Would you like to be with me?"

Joxer looked down. "Um ..." He breathed in deep, then exhaled slowly. "No?" Then he cringed.

Cupid smiled. "That's okay."

"You didn't really want to be with Joxer, anyway," Gabrielle said.

Cupid looked at her sharply. "Don't sell him short. " Cupid placed his hands on Joxer's shoulders. "Joxer is a brave and generous man."

"Um... I ... thanks?" Joxer gulped. "You're not mad at me for saying no?"

Cupid simply took off.

********

Joxer, Gabrielle and Xena left the temple. "You want to ride with us a bit?" Xena asked.

"Where are you going?" Joxer asked.

"North," Xena answered.

"I think I'll head south," Joxer said. Then he headed off.

"That's west," Gabrielle called.

Xena placed a hand on her while Joxer waved without looking back. "Let's go," she said.

********

Joxer walked through a wooded area. He stopped as he heard a familiar voice behind him.

"_Joxer the mighty  
Roams through the countryside  
He never needs a place to hide_"

"Cupid." Joxer turned.

"DUDE!" Cupid raised his hand to greet Joxer with a high five.

Joxer flinched and covered his face with his arms. "Please don't hurt me."

"Hurt you? Dude! I'm here to thank you."

"Thank me? Aren't you mad that I refused you?"

Cupid smiled. "Now where was I? Ah, yes. _He never needs a place to hide  
With Cupid as his sidekick  
Shooting off his little sticks_"

"So, you're going to mock me instead."

"Where is this coming from?" Cupid demanded.

"Oh," Joxer reddened. "You could never be anyone's sidekick, least of all mine."

"Dude! You're blushing." Cupid wrapped his arm around Joxer's neck and bent him in close. "Look, Mom says I need to learn to take care of myself. I want you to teach me."

"Me? Bu--"

Cupid raised a hand. "And I'm not joking or teasing or mocking or jesting." He crossed a finger over his heart. "On the life of my child-to-be."

Joxer shook his head. "Xena would be a much better -- She'd do a better job of teaching you."

"But Xena isn't you." Cupid reached for Joxer's ear and toyed with his lobe.

Joxer pushed Cupid's hand away, blushing even deeper. "You don't actually want me. You just want to say..."

Cupid cupped Joxer's face in his hands and kissed him. Wings fluttered and Joxer's arms shivered. Then they separated.

"...Thank you," Joxer sighed, smiling.

"It's more than that. I want to say thank you because you took care of me when no one else would. Back in Sparta, people were stealing for me -- which I did not want, beating each other for me, beating _me_ -- which I _certainly_ didn't want. You were the only one who put my needs ahead of your own wants. That's the kind of love these arrows can't give. And that's the kind of person I want to be with. And I had a thought that maybe you might have refused me because you were embarrassed with Xena and Gabrielle there."

"Well ... maybe a little."

"And because you really want to be with somebody else?" Cupid raised an eyebrow.

"Well ... maybe a little."

"I could take care of that for you," Cupid nudged him.

"Oh-ho, no," Joxer was crimson now. "If that happens, I want it to be on it's own."

"I know the feeling," Cupid grasped Joxer's shoulder.

"You do?"

"I do. Now, in the meantime ... I've got needs ... you've got needs..." Cupid reached for Joxer's hip. "So, what do you say?" Cupid asked. "You, me, a moonlit beach, a nice bottle of Mavraki... No arrows or tricks or spells. Then, after," and he winked, "we can find Xena and see if she'll help you teach me."

"Be gentle?" Joxer asked.

Cupid gathered Joxer up in his arms and with a flap of his wings, they were in the sky.

"Isn't today a new moon?"

"I'll work something out."

**The End**

* * *

_Love is patient, Love is kind, and sometimes, Love leaves you in a quivering heap by the side of the road. - Amy Dickinson_


End file.
